owning and running a company is already mired in a complex set of circumstances and power relationships that i don't have a firm grasp on, but i at least see an aspect of "thing i built alongside other people and have pride in and want to see succeed as a reflection of myself".

and it's like "yes, get the bag, take the money and run" but also, fucking no way dude, have some pride and dignity. “take the money and run” only applies when no one is reliant on you. once you have staff and people relying on you, you can't just sell out without ruining lives.

my brother responded to the above with:

https://oromet.bandcamp.com/track/familiar-spirits?_layout=standard&_theme=dar

• Wallsocket by underscores (alt pop)
• Blackbraid II by Blackbraid (atmo black metal)
• Hostile Architecture by Ashenspire (avant-garde black metal)
• Blast Furnace by Fugitive (thrash metal/crossover)
• Extreme Transgression by Transgressive (thrash metal)
• Cavern of Inoculated Cognition by Spinebreaker (death metal/hardcore)
• Songs of Abundance, Psalms of Grief by healthyliving (dark rock/post metal, ffo: emma ruth rundle)
• Legacies of Frailty by Woe (black metal)
• Oromet by Oromet (doom metal)
• Ontological Mysterium by Horrendous (progressive death metal)
• Idol by Horrendous (progressive death metal)
• The Enduring Spirit by Tomb Mold (death metal)

some real bangers in this haul

Me sowing (staying up until 00:45 having sex): haha fuck yes!

Me reaping (my kids waking me up at 6:15): well this sucks, what the fuck

One of my favorite thrash bands is Warbringer. Their lyrics are generally anti-war but they fall into the trap of accidentally glorifying it . The same way full metal jacket is anti-war but it was used as a recruiting tool because soldiers love it.

For example, the song Remain Violent is anti-cop and yet the lyrics and the t-shirt makes them look sick as shit. Put some red and black protestors in there! Don’t repeat their slogans!

The constant threat of a shot to the chest But defending yourself is resisting arrest City streets that I called my home Are starting to look like a combat zone

All that's what they want for you to say Is to remain silent Now you have the right to remain To remain violent

i watched elemental last night and while i'm still coalescing my thoughts on it, i decided to rank the pixar films. feast your eyes on this and scream at me in the comments and rechosts

descending, so cars is my fave:

cars
toy story 2
turning red
coco
ratatouille
cars 3
a bug's life
the good dinosaur monster's inc
luca
elemental
onward
brave
incredibles 2
the incredibles
monsters university
toy story

i do a lot of hobby programming. it's my primary hobby. i spend a lot of time writing code for fun, but it's quote unquote boring stuff like tinkering with an alternative test framework or building a linter or fixing a bug in a library i use.

i sometimes think "i want to make a game, i like games, why shouldn't i?" and then i'm just... empty. completely devoid of ideas or thoughts. i know it's probably something of a muscle i must flex, but i haven't flexed it yet and it's hard to start new things.

i'm only thinking of this now because of the unity stuff. feels like there's excitement in the air alongside the dread, people writing tutorials and recommending things, so why not.

idk why or when this happened but at some point i learned about super stimuli and became deeply unsettled by them and i’m now leery of anything that resemble one. feels too easy to fall off the cliff and lose a sense of what’s “average”.

maybe i’m just particular susceptible to them. i read some erotica earlier today and it made my chest constrict in such a way that left me shaken and a little emotionally numb after. a fairly pleasant but also worrisome experience. i want to enjoy my life, i want to be present and engaged, i don’t want to be distracted by thoughts of when i can sneak away to get my next hit of erotica lol.

there are many things that feel very good but they’re mostly quite hard to get. what changes when they’re suddenly abundant?

up front: i gotta pee real bad and im falling asleep on the couch but i had this desire to write some thoughts down and i wanna get them out before starting the work week and forgetting everything until next friday so excuse me. this is gonna be rambly and all over the place.

what's my sexuality? i've been thinking about it a lot recently.

in short: i like women, but i think i'm "my wife"-sexual.

My wife and I finished Fast and Furious 6 last night. Overall, I really like the series. The action is fun, the fights aren’t gratuitous, the characters have plot armor but there’s still plenty of tension, and I’ve totally bought into the whole “family” thing. I genuinely like the characters and watch to see them happy in their lives.

However, the stakes have grown such that the last couple have felt closer to Mission Impossible or a Marvel movie than F&F 1. We’re well past “over the top racing sequences as finale” and I think that’s really sad.

I’m gonna keep watching them and enjoying them no doubt, just a little sad we’re so far past the (somewhat) grounded stakes of the original trio of movies.

roughly 20 years ago, i watched a live action web series, a "tv show" but made by nerds and uploaded to the internet in mp4 or quicktime or whatever format we were using back then. i'm searching for it now and cannot find it (cf popular post about how google sucks now).

the show was about the crackers and hackers and leakers who got early access to music and movies and released them online, while trying to dodge the feds. the format for each episode was a view of someone's desktop screen and their IRC-equivalent chat windows as they typed messages to each other. in the corner of the screen was a live feed camera of them sitting at their computer, like twitch but with the camera angle usually being from somewhere else in the room.

i remember there being like 8-10 episodes and all but the final one were this way: irc chats between the person we were following for that episode and their compatriots, and a nearly static image of them sitting at their computer, fake typing. and then the final one had some handheld camera stuff, some bad acting, and a finale i don't actually remember watching.

Rewatched Coraline on our vacation because my 3 year old imprinted on a Coraline doll at the grocery store.

The movie fuckin bangs. It’s so good, really witty, beautiful and creepy and unlike Nightmare Before Christmas (which I famously dislike). I love every character, I love the “you must collect 3 items” quest line. I love that the story is about parenting and childhood and isn’t just “my grand/parents are mean so we need to resolve that to move on”. I love the little dogs in their angel wings. I love the dreamlike sequences at the end.

I love it all. 10/10

Just remembered without provocation that roughly 14 years ago I had reconnected with an old friend from Livejournal. She wanted to be penpals so we exchanged addresses and she sent me a long and intimate letter with drawings in the marginalia, detailing her life after moving to San Francisco.

In the letter she included a story about modeling nude. My girlfriend at the time found and read the letter and was upset about that story. She didn’t explicitly say that I couldn’t write back but she made the whole situation uncomfortable enough that I never did write back. I threw the letter away shortly after.

I’m sorry I ghosted you, Sarah. Hope you’re doing okay.

I hate that gamergate someone buried itself into our understanding of games journalism and games criticism. Frequently I find ostensibly left-leaning (or explicitly leftist) groups and communities who will parrot gg talking points about game reviews or criticism without a hint of self-awareness and then react angrily when called out about it.

It’s lazy and dismissive to say that a two thousand word review, published weeks after the game’s release, is merely clickbait design to get ad views. It’s the basest kind of critique, requires no defense, and allows no discussion. It is its own kind of clickbait, a jingoism for terminally online nerds to feel like they’ve seen through some veil of reality. And it comes directly from the gg playbook, a simple means of derailing conversations and sowing distrust and discord.

Anyway, I’ve loved the Facebook group “I’m begging you to play another rpg” but seeing the mods delete my comments and reward this shitty behavior has really soured my feelings.

when it comes to hobby programming, i don't believe in pushing myself to work on stuff i don't feel like working on. i just lean as far into my strange desire as i have energy, and go where my curiosity leads.

for many years this led to heartbreak and contributed to my deep-set sense of failure, as i slowly accrued a graveyard of unfinished projects and codebases where, once i had satisfied some core question, i walked away to do something else.

but also, i'm now on my third lil project in the last month, each one has been fruitful and compelling and provocative. i don't know if or when i'll finish them, and yet i feel content with them. i've released more than 10 versions of Splint this year, so what am i looking to prove? nothing.

Meetings:

• 2:30-3:30
• 3:30-4:00
• 4:00-4:30

Guess I’m not getting anything done today

I have spent every evening over the last week and a bit working on the parser, because a parser is a very good place to start when linting code.

My code is bad, I don't know why it works after not working in many other different configurations, the whole mut thing is magical and kind of dumb, but I have achieved some measure of victory!

me: i probably woulda been a pretty good queer
my (bi) wife : hm, i don’t know

I spend a lot of time thinking about my linter’s performance, and I’ve changed some of the ways I program in Clojure to support that. But it also means that I’ve sacrificed some of the benefits of Clojure and I’m not always writing “idiomatic” Clojure.

I dream of moving to a language like Rust or Zig, one that pursues pure speed and efficiency, but I know Clojure and I’m intimately familiar with it, so it would be quite a loss of effort and time to just get back to where I am currently.

And for what? My linter runs fast enough! It can lint 120k lines of Clojure in 15 seconds. Is that Ruff speeds? No but it’s pretty dang good.