maybe this feeling is fear
in response to or inconversation with may's boymoder's guide to becoming a confident woman
i've been thinking a lot about when to switch from boymoding to presenting as woman. but because i'm an overthinker, i've been plagued with worries or doubts, like "when do you know? what criteria do you look to to know when it's time?"
to ground this in reality, i'm 4 months in, ~2 months on e, and i've feminized my wardrobe a bit, wearing dresses/skirts/fem-cut tops with regularity. but i don't wear much makeup, haven't changed my voice, and i still use my birth name so i feel like i present as "man in a dress" instead of my intended "poorly dressed woman".
i don't feel comfortable using she/her or using a women's restroom or "presenting as a woman" because honestly i don't know if i know how to be a woman yet. i still feel like a "man in a dress". i think i could switch, but... when? what's a good sign or indicator i've done enough prep work?
like, i am pretty comfortable with being clocky forever (for some sad version of comfortable), but i think i am worried about being whatever is past clocky where it's almost caricature or falling into bad transphobic tropes instead of merely honest expression.
but maybe, just maybe i'm also afraid. this resistance is fear masked behind my nearly 40 years of hiding and self-denial.
because i am scared.
i feel scared when i'm shopping in the women's section and i can feel eyes on me. i feel scared when i wear makeup to our local waffle house for our weekly breakfast. i feel scared when i imagine going into a women's restroom and getting yelled at. i feel scared when i get complimented at church by all of the libbed-out UU matriarchs.
since i started this journey in june, the fear has never left me. it is a constant flutter in my chest, just below the surface.
8 years ago, patrick h (may his memory be a blessing) told me that without fear, there is no bravery. i've thought a lot about that this year. i need to be brave, braver than i ever have been. brave for myself, brave for my family, brave for my new community. brave for my young self who was too scared to understand these feelings and shied away from them like they would kill me.
i am afraid. but i can be brave.
