coming out

turns out, i am trans, a late-in-life lady.

what happened? didn't you just change your pronouns last post?

like a dripping faucet filling a bucket, the compounding feelings broke through and i could no longer ignore them.

i've been asking myself "am i trans?" for somewhere between 5 and 20 years, always coming up with "no" for some or another reason (as you can see in this very blog). but the question kept getting louder in my head. at the beginning of june, i flew out for a cousin's wedding, and i bought a sapphic regency-era romance novel (Like in Love with You by Emma R Alban) in the airport bookstore on the way home. i read the whole thing on the plane, experiencing waves of yearning and loss in addition to the (intended) heartwarming and erotic romance emotional beats. i got off the plane unable to set aside my feelings, unable to write off that what i felt was not "normal", was not aligned with the descriptions that other cis people use when describing their experiences.

to check, i shaved my face, tried on a dress while wearing some make-up, and felt strange feelings that i could not explain or deny. i spent many days talking with my patient and beautiful wife saying variations of "maybe i am, maybe i'm not" in something between denial and unacknowledged terror, and then on june 29th near midnight, i finally said to her, "yes, i'm a trans woman".

saying it out loud to her and then hearing her accept it gave me what i can only describe as a transcendental experience. i had spots in my eyes (even in the darkness of our bedroom), i started shaking, hyperventilating, too wracked to even properly cry but unable to calm down. at one point, in an attempt to diffuse my tension with humor, i said "i feel like i'm being exorcised, 'demons leave this body!'". the entire time, she held me and said nice things to me.

now that you know, what's next?

the rest of my life i guess.

i'm not trying to present as a woman publicly yet, but i've begun feminizing myself. i'm keeping my name, but i'm using they/them pronouns. i've not started hrt, but i'm shaving my face and legs. i am bold enough to begin the process somewhat publicly without feeling like i have to commit in one direction or another (my old default masc, a new default femme), but i'm not good with ambiguity so i feel caught in the middle.

given all that, i feel quite good on my current path. life is long and there are no shortcuts, so no matter how much i try to accomplish now, i have years to grow and change and adjust and decide for myself. i look forward to learning everything anew forever.

i look forward to when i can move and present as a woman. it's nice to have goals. as i said in may, the work is the work.