On 'Male Socialization'

there's "male socialization" discourse on bluesky, and it has been making me reevaluate my life and my experiences of malehood. i've wondered about that idea before, didn't come up with a satisfying answer so i let it be. but after reading lots of posts, i've been reconsidering my own experiences, the ways i was inculcated and hazed and rejected by men in my life, mostly found wanting or lacking or not measuring up.

i was bullied a lot as a child, basically nonstop from 6 to 17, and while it's hard to pinpoint the effects, i know they exist and influenced me. mostly, they led me to find relationships with women as the safest place. now, i've been hurt and excluded and probably bullied by women too (what can i say, i have a bullyable personality), but overall the most meaningful relationships of my life have been friendships with women.

i think this is partially because i believe deep down that men are not trustworthy. even my closest male friends, i don't feel safe opening up to. partially this is the weight of toxic masculinity, but it's also fear and self protection. in the eyes of "men", i have been judged and rejected. was i "male socialized"? i've certainly steeped in the misogynist culture like a bloated teabag, but i've also pushed back on it, worked on myself, selected the parts that work and excised the parts that don't. i am grateful my parents and community didn't label me a slur and beat me, i guess.

@mel.bzky.team made a really good post about the whole idea being fake, that what we all learn is both sets of roles, and are taught to enforce them. that's been buzzing around in my head all day, like a fly that won't leave me alone. (source)

i don't know if i'm trans (probably not), but this whole thing has given me pause on my understanding of my own maleness and malehood. it's a lot less clear to me that i have conformed in my life than i previously thought. lots of little signals that i forgot about, saying "you don't fit."