jumbled sexuality thoughts

up front: i gotta pee real bad and im falling asleep on the couch but i had this desire to write some thoughts down and i wanna get them out before starting the work week and forgetting everything until next friday so excuse me. this is gonna be rambly and all over the place.

what's my sexuality? i've been thinking about it a lot recently.

in short: i like women, but i think i'm "my wife"-sexual.

i tried bi-hacking a bit: did some mmf threesomes, consumed a lot of bi and gay porn, and all i got was this t-shirt all i can say is, "well, i tried." i have on occasion felt the urge to cuddle or hug my male friends in ways that i wouldn't describe as strictly platonic, but i fundamentally am not attracted to or aroused by or intrigued by or compelled by the presentation of male-ness.

on the other hand, i gaze upon female presenting people and i am like "hell yeah".

a really good longpost on here i read yesterday learned me about finn5ter and my immediate reaction was "this person is incredibly beautiful."

where does "what i like" come from? some inborn, some cultural, some experiential. idk. cuz it's not about the bits. i've only engaged with vulvas attached to cis people but i was never in it for the vulvas, i was there for the whole person, for everything wrapped up in it. maybe i would feel different but i highly doubt it. what i like is the presentation of some grouping of "feminine" coded traits, markers that individually can and do exist in other places but when together indicate ... something. (something really fuckin good, i tell you hwhat bobby.)

separately or additionally to all that,

my wife May and i have been together since jan 2017, and over those years we've had many different periods of our sex life, highs or lows or whatever, different sexual experiments or dynamics, all sorts of stuff. but the whole time, the core of our relationship has continued to grow and solidify. and then she got prengant and now we have two kids and even tho things slowed down, the intimacy continued to rise.

i've noticed in the last 6 months that my feelings for her have begun to change in new ways. the big one, the thing i'm focused on here, is that the kind of sexual desire i feel for her is the only kind of sexual desire i'm having in general. like, i see someone else and think "they're attractive" and then the thing i feel is a desire for May and a pulling back to her. if i interact with sexual content online, i place us into the roles and end up kind of live editing it as it's consumed, through a lens of us together. (i quit live action porn earlier this year, so this is less frequent.)

i know about demisexual and stuff like that, but this feels different. it's not that i can't feel sexual arousal or desire for other people, i just don't want or need to. why spend the energy elsewhere when i can spend it here and now on the person i know will enjoy it the most and who is honestly the most consistently good sex of my whole life?

i started this as a "quick jot of thoughts" and now it's been an hour and i'm still typing and thinking and mulling. congrats on making it this far i guess? (damn, i gotta piss so bad)

"but noah, what is all that about anyway? what's the point??? why tell us" idk homie, sometimes i just gotta write some shit down. as the spirit moves me, as they say.

some of this is ground work for thoughts and feelings i have related to gender identity and gender expression, i think. it feels like the "classic me" overly long explanation for something that's barely necessary for the main course lol.