doom spiraling

instead of doing work, i'm chosting because i'm at a point where i don't know that i can reasonably do my job. i've been here over a year and i still can't work tickets without significant help and multiple missed deadlines. knowledge about how the business works or what it does rolls off my mind like water off a duck's back.

i think i need a new job, tho the fear lurks that no matter which job i go to, i won't be able to learn it so i'm just buying myself time.

the company is good, my coworkers are nice, my boss is extremely chill and friendly, they're serious about everyone taking 4+ weeks of vacation a year and give off extra days every month like they hate work. it's an ideal workplace.

but i am incapable of performing the job as needed.

struggling deeply to stay focused and on task, the problem domain refuses to stay in my brain and i feel mostly lost and unsure when working on business-logic problems, i fail to complete any of my tickets on time unless they're dead simple, and i haven't found a niche within the company that i know well and can work well within so i don't have latitude to say "i want to work on this, not that".

i spent the long weekend emotionally gearing up to get through a lot of work in these three days and i've accomplished close to nothing. there's only so many times you can say "i'm sorry, i didn't do this on time and i'm struggling to understand what i'm to do here, wanna help me out?" before they're like "okay what the hell".

i wish i could make this much money doing something not creative.