whomst can i talk to?
sometimes, i have a conflict with my wife and i'm unsure if i did the "right thing", if i acted in a way that's consistent with my values and my ideal self, and if there's space between our shared expectations that i can either stand firm and say, "i acted in an acceptable manner, it's not on me to manage this" or i can bend and say, "i acted inappropriately, i'm sorry, i'll try to do better in the future."
that is hard to know and i've spent a lot of time over the years thinking about it in both directions applied to many various situations.
my frustration comes when i feel like i don't have a good perspective on the situation and i want feedback or outside help. this is the perfect place for a therapist, but for various reasons, i no longer have access to one. so i could reach out to a friend or family member. but who do i want to burden with whatever nonsense i'm experiencing?
truth be told, i don't trust most anyone else's opinions. i have a bunch of friends and some of them i consider very close, but almost none i'm open with in this way because from what i've seen i fundamentally disagree with some aspect of how they move through the world.
years ago, at a friend's birthday party, one dude who i didn't know well made a bad joke and poorly reacted when his spouse didn't find it funny in front of everyone, and later when the dudes were alone and chatting, he was like, "was i in the wrong?" and every other dude spoke up to say, "no, you were fine, the joke was fine, i don't know what her problem is". years later, i'm still like, "i cannot trust any of these men."
just weird and hard sometimes to be a man surrounded by men. not a lot of emotional vulnerability or space for exploration.